Rose Garden under the Full Moon

And this is why...

2008-09-29T14:51:00.002-05:00

Yeah this is why I'm broken.
They all want to blame it on homeschooling.
Sure.
I bet that's exactly it.
Lack of socialization. Wrong.
I had several home-school groups, church, gymnastics, girl scouts, attended kindergarten. I'm not afraid to be around people. No, you don't scare me one bit.
Its me I'm afraid of. What lurks inside.
What if I'm happy? What if I need you? What if I like you? What if I'm feeling rebellious? What if I'm sad? What if I just want to scream? What if I want to be free? What if I just want to dance for the sake of dancing?
Don't!
Don't be happy, you might forget to do something. Don't want/need/like someone because they don't want to be bothered with it. Don't be rebellious, its not allowed. Don't be sad, the crying and slower functioning is annoying and worthless. Don't scream, its too loud. Don't try to run away, there's responsibilities here. Don't dance, you might break something.
If you have the nerve to do any of that, you'll be beaten or starved. Repeatedly. With a belt. For days. Now get out of my sight you little piece of shit!
Was that hard to read? Try living it.
Six years of my life.
The time when you're supposed to be learning emotional reactions from your parents.
I was slowly turning into a robot that didn't even flinch if you broke skin with a yardstick.
Afraid to feel because feeling meant showing it and showing meant yet another beating.
So no, its not homeschooling that broke me.
It was bad parenting.
Its not logical, it makes no sense, its not fixable.
I'm afraid to feel.
And if I do feel anything, I'm afraid to show it.
I'm afraid to let you touch me because it might hurt.
Or it might make me want to feel.
Knowing you won't hurt me doesn't make any difference.
Its been ingrained too deeply.
I didn't even cry until I was 16. Ever.
Feeling anything frustrates me.
I'm so afraid, so cold inside.

I feel like one of those dogs you see at the pound.
The ones that have been beaten for everything.
They approach you, nose and tail down, looking hopeful.
If they ever learn to trust you, maybe they start to come up to you with their tail wagging.
But they're always watching your hands, keeping their head down.
Ready to run, afraid you'll hit them.
They don't know what for, but surely you will.
It doesn't matter how well you treat them.
They'll always be cautious.

"Its Candy Mountain, Charlie!"

2008-07-02T00:49:00.001-05:00

VJ: "Ever notice that the only people who say hi to him are girls?"
Me: "Yeah... interesting. He's like invisible to the male species"

Hmm.... that makes one either an object of attraction, envy, or myth. Attraction and envy go together in a way, the females see something they want, the guys don't talk to something that might show them up.
Myth; one would be a visible fantasy (or something) to females only. Well that'd be odd and depressing. Perhaps there's a more logical explanation. Maybe... one is a girl! Or, one is gay. Or, girls are just more social.
Heh...
See? I had no idea where that train of thought was trying to go.

Savior

2008-04-07T17:42:00.003-05:00

Ever the pessimistic one,
Residing in a hopeful shell.
Body betrayed by soul,
A soul failing to see its' potential.
Writhing in perceived agony,
Feeling the world against it.
Looking for a savior
(All the while)
Denying a savior's existence.
Self-proclaimed failure,
Grasping prejudiced protections,
It lives in deepening darkness.
But I always knew
Just who you were.
You're the beauty in this chaos,
The conclusion of confusion.
Too bad your savior never came
Or was that always the plan?
Tentative tendrils reached
For something completely unreal.
Tapping out a code in searching,
Did you find my code the same?
Of course, it doesn't matter anymore.
Beneath a battered shell
A beautiful soul resides.
Some days are an agony copy,
The echoes of days before.
But you're still here for me,
I'll still be here for you.
My inspiration, my fix.
If only I could be...
So true as you.

The End (Climax)

2008-03-25T07:20:00.003-05:00

He told her that he loved-
Her, and she did the same.
She believed him;
Feeling herself to be inadequate.
She misses how they'd fight,
Just trivial things,
But he always came back,
She'd always take him back.
Tender moments fading
Into black pixels
That were never enough.
She needs him deep inside.
Like a vaccination,
To feel the sting of protection.
He never seemed to trust-
Her, but she let him.
Because he love(s,d) her.
Pitiful, betraying mind,
Rooted in the world's hardships-
It wouldn't let her have him.
"Hold back! Don't change!"
A constant inner struggle.
And him, always too perceptive,
Held out a double-edged sword,
And asked her to pick a side.
She couldn't deceive (he'd know),
So her traitorous fingers
Spelled it to him;
Of needing him deep
And resenting that need.
Swing like a clock pendulum,
Clean swipe to sever the ties.
Or so he thinks.
But you can't remove-
Someone who's inside you.
Re-reading his words, confessions,
Wanting to delete him,
Knowing it would kill her.
Move on, past daylight,
Past dreams, past conscious.
He's still there.
She's still here.
Struggle to find-
The beauty in this chaos.

My Kids!

2008-03-19T17:08:00.004-05:00

On the top is Spicey Baby Boy (formal name: Spice)

On the bottom is Sugars Goat
(formal name: Sugar)

They're nubian goats, not reindeer as some dimwits seemed to believe upon seeing this Christmas picca. And no, I don't eat them, or milk them, they're pets and my kids!

"I just made you up to hurt myself"

2008-03-01T00:51:00.001-06:00

Some rain clouds rain on your parade in a cheerful manner and you can look up at them and laugh because you know they're up to harmless mischief. And then there's the ones that are up to no good, but they think they're only having fun. But really, this rain cloud stuff is avoiding the point and the only reason it's managed to get this far is too much sugar and too little sleep in my bloodstream.
What I'm really on about is people. The people you think you can trust, and you think care about you so you return the emotion blissfully and then they bite the hand that feeds. But like a dog, instead of yelling at them, you forgive it and assume they were just in a bad mood that day. But eventually, that dog bites you often enough that you realize it's just not an even-tempered dog. However, the good thing is, the dog runs away! And of course then you can rejoice because now you can still love the dog, and wish it well; you know its better off because now you can walk around freely without having the worry of teeth close to your sensitive areas and a cold nose in your nether regions. You're sure the dog will fend for itself, just like it did before you loved it and took it in, and it DID seem glad to go.
So you go along gleefully with your life, and you manage to acquire a cat who offers to hold you close and respect your sensitive areas. But now, now you know what teeth can do so when the cat smiles at you, all you see is teeth and you cower in a corner. The cat can't understand, and you can't tell him about the dog because he'll think you're a traitor.
Then, one fateful day... that dog shows back up at your door. It wags its tail and lolls its tongue. You loved it so much and still do though you've turned what was before, into a mere wish that it be protected from harm. How can you turn that face away? So you let it in and kick the cat out because it never managed to understand you as well as the dog does anyway. You're cautious, because of course you've been bitten before, but that dog says "hey, i love you!" but of course you're confused because all it seemed to want was rid of you.
So this person-dog looks you in the eyes and says "don't be afraid". You aren't afraid though, you're just cautious and confused because now he isn't making any more sense than a pickle and ice cream sandwich. But you LIKE pickle and ice cream sandwiches, because the vinegar shocks and bites and then the ice cream comes through and soothes and teases and fills your mouth with sweet creamy goodness. So you just accept it and prepare for a lashing when it all goes wrong again.
But you must know what his intentions are, correct? Before you let his teeth close enough to tease and hurt? "Go on!" your friends say, "you better bloody well ask him!". So you do, and he ignores you. Write it off to a distraction of some sort and try again; and yet again he doesn't deign to reply. "Once more" you think, and give it a final heave, but he still doesn't answer. Yet somehow, that is an answer in itself, because you can only think of one reason why he wouldn't answer the question! So now you know, and you must know because you haven't any other options. You know this: that he can't make up his mind but would never reveal to you what you would reveal to him.
But then the beautiful tragedy comes! Oh yes, he deigns to speak to you and eventually you find out what is going through his mind. You find out because it's just like a child, you can taunt with a smile until he gives you what you want so he can get what he wants. But now, now you're annoyed beyond belief because it shouldn't have taken this long to procure an answer. You used to be able to communicate so well, but that broke down and now you have to resort to primal behaviors to get civilized answers. "So easy a caveman can do it" indeed. Yet for some reason, despite the utter crimson rage you feel, you still don't want to hurt the beast.
It's only the curse of an empath, to never try to hurt even when you want to. Hating yourself after the fact, you write an apology for damages done with tears on your lashes and moths in your stomach. But when its over, you know you've done the correct thing, even though you hate yourself for being the one to give in. You would really have lost if you'd stooped so low as to seek revenge though. "Now" you wonder, "will this reconcile what has been done? Will a reply be a good thing or a bad thing?" Deep down, you wish for a reply, but deeper still you know that no reply is probably a good thing. You've ended it, left the dragon appeased with the blood of good intentions. Because Kant said "the only good thing in this world is a good will" and he was correct in that.
May peace reign herein and hereout, forthwith.
~Korin

"I just made you up to hurt myself and it worked, yes it did" Only by Nine Inch Nails

My First Building Fire

2008-01-28T08:58:00.001-06:00

I had a rather interesting experience around 10pm last night, My First Building Fire!
Just sitting here, minding my own business when the fire alarm went off. Thinking it was a drill or that somebody had pulled the alarm, I grabbed only my keys and slippers then followed the masses down the stairs. Walked over to the building next door to see if I could hide out there until the "drill" was over, but then that building evacuated as well!
Wandering back outside in my slippers i looked up to see a trickle of... smoke? steam? Still thinking that surely this wasn't a real fire I decided to walk out into the parking lot with everyone else. Rounding the corner of the building I saw thick black smoke billowing out of a window on the 11th floor and moments later the windows shattered and flames shot out into the night. A real fire... and I was stranded in 30+ degree weather in nothing but pajamas, slippers, and a hoodie.
I wandered around for nearly an hour before finally running into my friend Abby. Stayed with some of her sorority sisters for the night before shuffling back to our building. Fortunately my dorm room is 6 floors below where the fire was, so I was allowed to return to my room the next morning. Some of my friends aren't so lucky, as they won't be able to return to their rooms for a week at least, and will need to move all their belongings anyhow since the top few floors have been determined to be unsuitable for living.

Soulbreak Cry

2007-09-30T12:45:00.000-05:00

God. I've been something like a Christian for years, but I sometimes drift and the doubts threaten to overwhelm me. It's been that way recently. This is an older poem of mine, but it's well descriptive of my spiritual swing between doubting and being faithful.

Were it the span of the heavens
Or the depths of the sea.
Twas never so wide,
As the Space formed by me.
I cry out in my prison.
I see your hand in the sun.
Oh My God, My God!
What have I done?
Pulled into glass pieces,
Now where can I go?
Fettered in by my sin,
I scream, you say no.
One way to change this,
Sad power of Blood.
Clawing for surface,
I see where I stood.
Yo do now accept me,
I am bowed at your throne.
I screamed to you mercy,
No longer Alone.

Restless

2007-09-09T19:50:00.001-05:00

Went camping Friday night and Saturday day. I climbed some waterfalls, ran on some trails, caught a frog, burned things in the fire, painted myself with glowsticks. Sounds like a good time doesn't it? Well it was, but the thing is, instead of sating my desire for an adventure, it made it stronger. The need for something challenging and adrenalizing (i made that word up) is about to drive me over the edge.
I went out looking for an adventure last night and tonight too, but didn't find much. I need to go rock-climbing or do some martial arts, or maybe just run. I'm trying to get a fencing club going, and that is turning out to be a twisted maze of challenges, but it doesn't create much of a rush. Hopefully tomorrow I can go check out the fencing club over at Rose Hulman and have a bit of fun.

Home is where you're free

2007-08-27T20:26:00.001-05:00

The full moon is tomorrow night, and I'm already starting to feel it. At home, I would be prowling around the house, or moonlighting in the wide open spaces of my yard (5 acres). There would probably be coyotes howling, rabbits rustling in the grass, and the ever-faithful Inky or Roxy by my side. I miss that freedom, the untainted air, bright night sky, and not having to fear anything in the dark.
Tonight I was feeling restless, so I put on my comfortable shoes (heck, I could go barefoot outside at home too) and went to prowl around the campus. It was horrible, and I'm still restless. No coyotes, rabbits, frogs, or owls broke the nonexistent silence. The night was filled with the roar of engines and music cranked too loud, the laughter of people playing tennis under too-bright lights, and the suffocating smell of garbage and cigarette smoke. The wildest creature I saw was a rabbit that was so adapted to humans it let me get within 10 feet. So I ventured further out, to the "greener" parts of the campus, it was a bit darker, but there were still no wild creatures, and there were still too many people. Everything was wrong, the sounds, the sights, even the ground beneath my feet was unforgiving concrete.
To make matters worse, on my way back I had to endure pathetic lines like "Hey, how you doing? Oh, don't walk away sad, don't be mad". I had no faithful Doberman-mix, not even a pushover cat, to cling to. I'm not free here, the wrongness of it all is like a weight around my heart, dragging me into it's polluted world. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, when the moon is completely full, I'd usually prowl then, too. But after tonight I don't think tame rabbits and concrete are going to sate my desire to wander in the night.
I'm going home this weekend, to goats, cats, dogs, degus, and a rabbit, in the midst of wonderfully untamed meadow and woods. So hopefully, that will sustain me for a few more weeks to come.

"Feral" poem

2007-08-26T21:44:00.001-05:00

This is a bit different for me, but apparently there's an animal inside that needed to speak. I don't plan poems, they just demand to be written. I used some line and rhyming techniques I've never used before either, and I think I like the end result. I've titled this one "Feral" for obvious reasons.

Feral
And I need to taste you.
Feral
And I need to touch.
I want your claws within my heart,
Deep in yours
I want to drown.
Can eyes meet
Can hands touch
Can hearts beat
Without warm blood?
Wild thing gone mad
I yearn for you
You can't be had.
How can I live?
I need your teeth
Against my neck,
I need your voice
At my call and beck.
Feral
How you slay me.
Feral
How my heart bleeds.

midnight musings

2007-08-25T00:11:00.000-05:00

taking advantage of the fact that I have no classes and it's cooler at night to stay up late. It is now tomorrow and still tonight, but not yet 3 am. So I'm going to vent about some things that have been bugging me today.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.

Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.

sigh

2007-08-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

I'm really hungry right about now.... 30 minutes ago food had not even crossed my mind. So why am I all "*sigh*" about that? Just go eat right? WEEEEELL.... the problem here is that they close the durned cafeteria at 6pm and it is now 6:35pm. Seriously, who, especially college students, eat before 6? I hardly ever eat before 8pm so it looks like I'm going without dinner again, but that's okay.
As some of you know, I had a job interview with a reading tutor program. They wanted to hire me, and the job would have been amazing for me because I like working with kids and I would only have to work two hours, two days a week so I could go home on the weekends and everything would have been ice cool. But it turns out they can only operate on a work/study program because they are a nonprofit organization. I'm not what anyone would call extravagantly rich, but the financial aid office said I don't qualify for work/study. There goes that dream down the drain (say that 5xfast).

so it's been a while (4 hours) since I wrote the top bit and I'm in rather a better mood now. There was a comedy hypnotist in the student union building tonight and I laughed so hard my face still hurts. He hypnotized 16 people up on stage and sent them on a plane ride to Jamaica. The guy in the middle became the pilot and the hypnotist put a "magic hat" on him and pulled him out of his trance a bit. The guy was suddenly speaking in a perfect Jamaican accent and thought he had been flying a plane for three years. The hypnotist later made all the guys on stage think they were exotic women dancers then he sent them into the audience to find guys to dance for. It was absolutely hysterical, and some of the guys were WAY too good at it. He gave one of the guys who was particularly good at the dancing, a post-hypnotic suggestion that he was a ballerina. After they all came out of the trance, he said a key word and the guy started dancing around. When he asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm perrrforming" in this really breathy voice.
That's all for now,
Rock On and Peace Out,
Korin

The confusion of days

2007-08-23T20:20:00.000-05:00

So for whatever reason, I thought today was going to be Tuesday and I didn't set my alarm last night. Unfortunately I got up around 10-ish, and after taking a shower and everything it was about 11 and I had an "oh crap" moment where I realized it was ACTUALLY Thursday and I should have been in Chemistry review group from 9:30-10:45. Oh well, I'll just have to prove to my teacher that I'm not a slacker, just very bemused. I did make it to afternoon Chem lab, which has a different instructor, so there was no wrath of the teacher to face. My lab partner is the guy who was sitting across the table from me, by the name of Zack. Turns out he's a pretty cool person, so hopefully I'll get to know him as a friend outside of class.
My Learning Liberal Arts and Sciences class turns out to be more of a discussion group for the science majors that we get credit for. Basically the object is to provide a resource of outside information and discussion as well as a chance to meet study buddies. The instructor's voice makes me a bit foggy because it's very mellow, but I managed to stay awake and he seems fairly interesting.
The rest of my day, outside of sleeping and class, has been spent studying and just hanging around doing nothing. Oh yeah, and last night I went to a place called SCAMPS House which is a Christian fellowship type thing. They haver service on Sundays, worship on Wednesdays, and fellowship on Fridays. The people there were all very welcoming and it feels a it like home because their sanctuary has a multitude of couches instead of chairs. I'll look around at the other ministries, but this place already feels like the right place to help me stay with, and grow in Christ.
Love,
Korin

2 days down

2007-08-20T20:37:00.000-05:00

Couldn't sleep last night, it was much too hot and sticky and I was unsettled because everything is so off kilter. There were more freshmen orientation things today including a comedian name Maria who bills herself as the "Sexpert". She was really entertaining but also put some stuff out there that they don't emphasize enough in high school health classes. She emphasized how important it is to communicate with your significant other, and to be respectful of the other person if or when you engage in any form of sex.
Other events of the day: I found a few more people I know already from previous encounters and met a few new people as well. Right now I'm dying my hair because the blond was starting to bleed through and it gave my hair an odd greenish tint under fluorescent lights. Let's see, I also went to a program about preventing suicide in which I won an ISU bag for correctly answering a question. Not much else of not really.
I'm afraid I'm being antisocial, but I don't know how to approach the people here. I sort of hover around, hoping someone will say hello, but I know they won't because I'm not doing it either. So my commitment for tomorrow is to make at least one new friend.
later then,
Korin

first day of college...

2007-08-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

So I'm not real sure how I feel about this whole venture yet, it still has the surreal aura of long-ago (okay, not that long ago) summer camps. It's not quite in perspective yet that I have to live in a room smaller than my one at home for several months with a perfect stranger. I can't wander the empty fields (for starters, there are none here) at midnight or later because the weekday curfew is 11pm. I won't wake up to Sugar and Spice baaa-ing for their mom (me), and there won't be the occasional puddle of cat vomit next to my bed. After 10 years in what could reasonably called "the countryside" I'm now smoldering in suburbia.
I hope I'll get used to all the changes, and that I can sleep when lacking my ever faithful purring Inky and Schroedinger. Classes don't start until Wednesday, so I'm currently focused and relearning the campus and meeting some people I can trust. More on the life of a disoriented college student later in the week.
Peace Out and Rock On,
Korin

predestination vs omnicient God vs free will

2007-07-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

The case: God gave us free will. God knows everything. God is in control of everything. We can choose or lose God. Do these seem contradictory to you too?

My answer: I have my own little theory, and a lot of people seem to disagree with me, but its the only thing I've come up with that makes any sense. I believe that we have free will to make any decision that we want, whether it be good or bad, and to continue making decisions until our last breath expires. But I also believe that God is omnicient (sp?), that he knows everything past, present, and future. How can this be? Doesn't our future change a smidgen with every decision?
On the one hand, the worn out, but not-so-old idea of predestination comes into play. The theory that God chooses our future for us, and no matter what we decide, it will all lead to the same end. I can see how this makes some sense, but I believe it completely contradicts the whole intent of free will, which is to let us choose; heaven or hell, its in our hands.
My view is simple enough, but also complex if you try to draw it out on paper (its a muddle, trust me). I believe we have free will, but that God can see every result of every option we could choose from. Every time we decide, a whole new range of end results crops up. I think God can see all the new options, and he can obviously see the past, since it has already been decided. What do you think? Do you agree, disagree, or have your own variation?

The small things that make my heart beat

2007-05-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

things that are important to me in the smallest ways, in no particular order:

1~ The cold, gentle dampness of my eyelashes against my cheeks after I've been crying.

2~The small pinpricks of pain from the claws a of a cat kneading my scalp.

3~The gentle sleep-breathing of my sisters at night.

4~Halos around full moons.

5~Thunderstorms.

6~Silent eye contact between close friends.

7~The freedom to pray, anytime, anywhere.

8~Typos in famous books.

9~The utter lost darkness of caves.

10~Scars that remind me of old adventures and old wounds.

What small things are important to you?

sigh Shot through the heart and you're too late

2007-04-30T12:54:00.000-05:00

Rather depressed right about now... Everything was so surreal, and then it said "the end." on the screen, just like that, with a period. It was like a double whammy of finality. I suddenly realized "Matt's gone. Its over, and Michael, Kim, and Josh aren't sticking around either". Suddenly all the looming responsibilty rained down at once, our leaders have been taken so its up to The League of Extraordinary Youth (aka Shepherding Team) to take up the empty places.
I can't really comprehend why the sponsors get to run from this. I could run as well, there are so many other churches I could easily go to, but my heart is here and I don't think God is done with this church yet. I guess it's just instinct to run from the things that hurt us the most, but whatever happened to "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me"? It'll be tough for a while, but we can make it without Matt, we just need to rely on Christ and rely on each other in this time of trial. The elders all seem to think that youth ministry is a numbers game. They keep trying to complete a sudoku puzzle using numbers like 11 and 27... sure it looks more impressive, but is it actually functioning?
Everyone, please pray that we have strength and wisdom during this time, and that the bonds we've created don't dissolve under pressure. I'll see you all at church.
Love,
Korin

2 dimensionality and it's relationship to politics

2007-02-02T22:27:00.000-06:00

For those of you who have read "A Wrinkle In Time" you know there is a point in the book where the characters accidentally end up in a two dimensional world. The interesting thing about this is how we, as three dimensional creatures in a three dimensional world, percieve two dimensions. We tend to pick up a peice of paper when trying to demonstrate two dimensions, because that's as close as we can come. However, even paper is not truly two dimensional, as it still operates in three dimensions. Something that is two dimensional will not "turn sideways and dissapear", rather, it can't even turn sideways!
In three dimensions we can move side to side, front to back, and up to down. A two dimensional object would go just as crazy trying to comprehend 3d as we would by adding a fourth dimension to our world. This brings me to politics...
Politicians are always trying to make us laypeople understand the 4th dimension, or as they call it "the platform". It's all a matter of teaching us to see things from their point of view. The problem is, while we have no problem understanding how two or four dimensions work, we can't actually operate in them. Reducing federal debt sounds great in 2D (on paper), but how often does it manage to operate in 3D (real life!)? In the interest of the United States of America, next time you're listening to a politian preaching his 2D plans to make a 4D accomplishment, ask yourself if it will work in 3D.

Love you all,
Korin

Forgive and Forget?

2006-11-30T13:01:00.000-06:00

Forgive and forget rolls off the tonngue so easily, but how accurate is it really? Must you forget in order to forgive, and can you forget without forgiving?
I think it's quite possible to forget without forgiving. Years later something could remind you of an incident, and your mind would awaken to find you still hold a grudge. Forgetting is more a slip of the mind than any actaul progress in the emotional department.
I'm sure it's possible to forgive without forgetting but things probably dissapear from memory when there is no longer a reason to remember. I'm not sure I resolved this in my mind by even writing this post.
My conclusion is that you have to forgive to really forget, but might not forget upon forgiving.

For Josh and Anna

2006-11-13T12:45:00.000-06:00

My friend Josh and his girlfriend Anna had to endure something this last Thursday that nobody should go through. Unfortunately it did happen to them and I feel quite helpless here not even able to say how sorry I am, so this poem is dedicated to them. Josh and Anna, this is for you, I will keep you in my prayers.

For Josh and Anna
~
I usually keep my heart locked up
I’m usually cold as stone.
But your pain is bleeding over
It cuts me to the bone.
~But I can’t cry your tears for you
~And I couldn’t stop this blight.
I wish that I could hug you
Tell you its all okay.
But after what you’ve been through
There’s nothing I could say.
~But I can’t cry your tears for you
~And I can’t fight this fight.
Where does this pain end?
Just how can this be?
Why can’t I heal you?
What if it happened to me?
~But I can only cry my tears for you
~And wait here in His light.

Love,

Korin

Cain's wife

2006-11-02T12:47:00.000-06:00

Where did Cain get his wife?

This question was posed at my Bible Study last night. I had never really thought about it before, but if Cain didn't marry his sister, then where did his wife come from? If you know the story of Cain you can skip to the next paragraph, or you can stay the course for a quick recap. After Cain murdered his brother Abel he was marked by God. God decreed that no man could harm Cain and that he was banished to wander far from his homeland. We don't know how long he wandered, but we do know that somewhere he obtained a wife.

Being banished makes it very unlikely that Cain married one of his many sisters. So my Bible Study group proposed and dissected a few theories to explain the presence of other humans. I will present them below by number.

1. Adam and Eve (Cain's parents) are recorded as being the first man and woman, all the preceeding creatures were animals. This created an interesting and controversial idea that maybe they were the first man and woman to have souls or a relationship with God. So many things in the Bible are metaphor that Adam and Eve could be the first man and woman just by having souls, not that they were the first Homo Sapiens.

2. God may have continued creating after he finished with Adam and Eve. God did rest on the 7th day but he could have resumed some minor creating after his nap. Other races of people may have been created outside of the Garden of Eden. After all, people are a very diverse group, we come in all colors, sizes, and tongues.

3. Adam and Eve lived to be quite old, some of thier children probably already had children and grandchildren of their own by the time Cain found his wife. These families could have wandered away from thier original home near Eden to form other groups of people from which Cain may have chosen a wife.

So what do you think? Do you have any idea where Cain may have found a wife? Leave me a comment, even if it's really long, telling me what you think of thiese ideas or your own theory.

Love,

~Korin

fruit (or vegetable) of the spirit

2006-09-05T12:44:00.000-05:00

Fruit (or Vegetable) of the Spirit

I have 3 friends who are sisters and, due to their unique way of speaking, often say things that lead me into profound thought. They were over at my house the other day when such an instance occured.
My house always has a slightly pathetic garden coloring the yard out front in the summer. Unfortunately, this garden has a habit of mass-producing tomatoes and peppers beyond what any family could desire to consume. This results in a frenzy of asking everyone who comes near if they would like some tomatoes (I'm getting to the profound bit, I swear). So, of course, I offered to let my friends take some tomatoes home with them.
That's when one said "Look at them on the vine, all sad and dying. Sad and dying with nobody to pick them." That's when it struck me, what if my Christian walk is kind of like that, I'm leaving the fruit out to rot instead of gathering it. God said that we should bear fruit if we are faithful and following the Great Commission. I think that often we view this as a challenge, that people will come to Christ if we convince them and work hard enough. But maybe that's not the way it's supposed to be!
Instead of conversions being a result of our work, what if all we have to do is harvest the fruit? We can't convince somebody to become a Christian through our own efforts, any more than we can create a butterfly through sheer will-power. So while we focus on our own accomplishments and seek to complete the Great Commission without God's help, the fruit is dying sad and alone on the vine.
"Be fishers of men" he said. Fishers gather, they don't create. The fruit we are after isn't tomatoes or fish, it's people. They live and breathe, their hearts beat like ours, and then they die. Sad and Alone. Neglected on the vine. All because I tried to force them into slavery instead of just picking those that are ready. Don't let the fruit die sadly on the vine, waiting for somebody to pick it. I urge my readers as I urge myself, to gather those that are ready to accept Christ, don't force them, and don't give up on those that aren't ready yet.

Wondering

2006-08-27T19:16:00.000-05:00

At times I wonder what God thinks as he looks down at us, running around like millions of silly frantic little lemmings or somesuch. I was having a particularly productive train of thoughts along those lines today... so here are some of my musings.

I was watching TV and there was a preview for a mini-series about the greatest threats to Earth. So what happens if, let's say, a giant meteor strikes the Earth and kills everything, does that mean it was an accident or His plan? Does he look down and go "Damn. Forgot about that meteor... I have to start all over now!"

At my church we always sign this little book at the end of the pews so there's an account of how many people attended the service. I wonder if God approves of us signing in something resembling the Black Book of Death?

God struck down the Tower of Babel because the people were trying to reach the heavens. What does he think of window washers for city skyscrapers then? Or even airplane pilots?

So that's the end of my ramblings... Do any of you have a musing about what God sees when he looks down?

Korin

Poet's Day

2006-08-25T20:25:00.000-05:00

This post was originally done on August 21, which is Poet's Day, but due to some technical difficulties I'm reposting it today.

In honor of today (August 21) being Poet's Day I have decided to post two poems by me.

Butterflies and Demons

Shadow Bright,

Star's darkest night

Where were you

When I hid tonight?

Shuddering from the beauties

Of a daydream's horror

In darkest fright.

Premonition...

Foreshadowing...

Sixth Sense...

Call it what you will,

You'll never know it.

Gliding on the fringes

Of all floating twighlight hours.

Sometimes flutter

Sometimes scream

Butterflies and Demons-

In my dreams.

Gliding by

On beautiful wings

To rip and tear

My peaceful scene

Butterflies and Demons

In my dreams.

Soulbreak Cry

Were it the spans of the Heavens,

Or the depths of the Sea.

Twas never so wide,

As the Space formed by me.

i cry out in my prison.

i see Your hand in the sun.

Oh My God, My God!

What have i done?

Pulled into glass peices,

Now where can i go?

Fettered in by my sin,

i scream, You say no.

One way to change this,

Sad power of Blood.

Clawing for surface,

i see where i stood.

You do now accept me,

i am bowed at your throne.

i screamed to Your Mercy,

No longer Alone.

Korin

The Love of Books

2006-08-16T12:11:00.000-05:00

The Love of Books

"So many books, yet so little time." "Books. Cats. Life is Good." "There's no such thing... As too many books..." "Biblioholism- books, of books: the habitiual longing to purchase, read, store, admire, and consume books in excess."
I love books. I enjoy reading them of course, but there is a difference in loving books and loving to read them. I happen to love books. The way the pages rustle when you pick up a paperback, the smooth feel of an embossed hardback. The smudges and yellow spots in old books that make them look loved and well-used. Or the way the spine crackles when you open up a new book, and you know you are the first to read it. When old books open up in your hands to the most dramatic or romantic chapter, and you know that many other people have loved this book too. The gilt lined pages of an antique leatherbound book that glitters when you turn it. I love the smell of paper and ink in libraries, or the old musty and woody smell of a curious little bookshop on a corner street.
Books are amazing things, they spread ideas and emotions, facts and fantasy. The earliest civilizations tried to communicate these things through pictographs, and in a way the pictures spoke so much more than simple words ever can. We have progressed from pictographs to tablets, tablets to scrolls, scrolls to books, there have even been bizarre ways of communicating with knots in colored strings. Human beings innately have a desire to share their insights, and the knowledge that information needs to be spread.
I have a favorite bookshop too, the kind you read about only in stories. It goes by the quaint name of Caveat's Antique and Rare Books, and resides in Bloomington. You walk in and are immediately struck by the paper, ancient yellowed pieces intermingled with newer peices cover every wall, doorframe, and bookshelf. Upon closer examination you find that these papers are all quotes by famous people and thoughtful cartoons cut from newspapers. This place smells of musty paper and pipe smoke and knowledge. A single old man always sits in the cubby-hole to the right of the entrance, reading the news and fiddling with a pipe, he is the perfect picture of the secretive librarian that turns out to have the answers to everything. If you walk straght ahead there are five little rooms with a different subject contained in each one on old leaning shelves, in cardboard boxes, and neat stacks, each room also contains an old uncomfortable office chair. If you were to go left instead of ahead upon entering, you would be in a long aisle full of boxes and poetry books, and the best part of all, there is a library ladder. You know the type, they have wheels on the bottom and a track along the top of the shelf. I could stay in this place forever, but I know I must leave so as not to wear out the charm.

In closing, if you have a favorite book or bookshop, I want to hear about it! Leave me a comment please!

Korin

Homosexuality

2006-08-11T10:56:00.000-05:00

Homosexuality

So where do I draw the line? I'm a professing and acting Christian, my faith is a part of my life. But the problem is that I'm a strong believer of "Hate the sin but Love the sinner", and this puts me into an awkward postion of how to act and what to believe of my gay friends. I can't just outright say "you're a sinner!", this approach tends to anger people and doesn't accomplish anything. Yet if I'm to believe everything in the Bible, they are living in sin. But is it a choice? Talking to one of my friends has led me to believe that homosexuality is not a choice, but rather something inborn. In a way this agrees with scripture from Romans 1:26-27, "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion."
So if our sinful worldly lifestyle is the cause, what is the 'cure'? Is there such a thing as a 'cure'? I don't know any former homosexuals converted by Christianity so I can't really speak on this part. But are my anger issues any more or less sinful that homosexuality? God views all sins as the same, and I work on my anger but have not been 'cured' of it. Perhaps it is the effort and the acknowledgement of the sin that counts on judgement day, let us hope so, for if it is not then we are all condemned to eternal death. For my part I will continue to love everyone for who they are and let God handle the internal issues.

Korin

What does it mean to be a Christian?

2006-08-07T19:23:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be a Christian?

All my life I've been told that being a follower of Christ is the most important mission of my existance. But it always comes from people who don't seem to believe the words of their own mouth. In the dark hours of the night, when it's just you and an unseen presence, what do you really believe? I believe my faith is my life, it's why I'm alive.... But I often doubt that I'm doing everything right. How do I know? Am I doing everything right when I feel good about what I'm doing, or is it the other times? The times like these...

When you cradle your soul but it melts through your fingers and shatters at His feet like thousands of glass rain-drops. And part of you wants to scream and cry because it hurts and you know He can see everything, but part of you is too in awe and filled with joy to even breathe. When He reaches down and picks up all those thousands of pieces and melds them back together. Something miraculous happens then, so small you don't know if you've even seen it, the image burns in the back your mind that one of those black peices of glass is now clear and bright. It hits you with a sense of awe, that one peice is now pure, but at the same time you mourn for it. There was a strange beauty about the dull black shine of those peices and you know what was removed for the sake of purity is something of this world's views lost forever, you can never be the same. In these times, when the pain and beauty is too great to comprehend, then everything feels right. And I think, maybe, that this is when I'm accomplishing my life's mission. I'm only one, on this one planet chosen from the great expanxe of the universe, but somehow my actions make all the difference somewhere.

Korin

2006-08-07T12:13:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my garden

2006-08-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

Welcome to My Garden

You may have had the sanity to wonder why my blog is titled "Rose Garden under the Full Moon"... or maybe you didn't. If you came here to find out what makes up the unphysical bit that I call me, then read on, if you are here to read the juicy tidbits and political opinions of my life, this is not the place to come. Will you take a moment to walk in my garden?

Dead leaves and night creatures make soft rustling noises as you walk, the almost imperceptible squeal of a bat can be heard overhead. Cold soft white light falls from the moon, the light always seems to be marked "for you eyes only" when the moon is full. A slight breeze stirs just the tips of the hairs on your skin and seems to whisper long forgotten secrets. Roses are such beautiful flowers, even half closed in the dark... red is one of the few hues that is still distinguishible under the moon. You reach for a rose, then remember the thorns and grasp the bud carefully... You know if you make a careless move the thorns will draw blood. Tucking the rose-bud into your shirt color, turn and slip toward the ominous iron gate. The gate is ancient and secretive, but well oiled, open it just far enough to slide through and exit. I hope you will return...

Korin

Rose Garden under the Full Moon

And this is why...

"Its Candy Mountain, Charlie!"

Savior

The End (Climax)

My Kids!

"I just made you up to hurt myself"

My First Building Fire

Soulbreak Cry

Restless

Home is where you're free

"Feral" poem

midnight musings

*sigh*

The confusion of days

2 days down

first day of college...

predestination vs omnicient God vs free will

The small things that make my heart beat

*sigh* Shot through the heart and you're too late

2 dimensionality and it's relationship to politics

Forgive and Forget?

For Josh and Anna

Cain's wife

fruit (or vegetable) of the spirit

Wondering

Poet's Day

The Love of Books

Homosexuality

What does it mean to be a Christian?

Welcome to my garden

sigh

sigh Shot through the heart and you're too late