And this is why...

Yeah this is why I'm broken.
They all want to blame it on homeschooling.
Sure.
I bet that's exactly it.
Lack of socialization. Wrong.
I had several home-school groups, church, gymnastics, girl scouts, attended kindergarten. I'm not afraid to be around people. No, you don't scare me one bit.
Its me I'm afraid of. What lurks inside.
What if I'm happy? What if I need you? What if I like you? What if I'm feeling rebellious? What if I'm sad? What if I just want to scream? What if I want to be free? What if I just want to dance for the sake of dancing?
Don't!
Don't be happy, you might forget to do something. Don't want/need/like someone because they don't want to be bothered with it. Don't be rebellious, its not allowed. Don't be sad, the crying and slower functioning is annoying and worthless. Don't scream, its too loud. Don't try to run away, there's responsibilities here. Don't dance, you might break something.
If you have the nerve to do any of that, you'll be beaten or starved. Repeatedly. With a belt. For days. Now get out of my sight you little piece of shit!
Was that hard to read? Try living it.
Six years of my life.
The time when you're supposed to be learning emotional reactions from your parents.
I was slowly turning into a robot that didn't even flinch if you broke skin with a yardstick.
Afraid to feel because feeling meant showing it and showing meant yet another beating.
So no, its not homeschooling that broke me.
It was bad parenting.
Its not logical, it makes no sense, its not fixable.
I'm afraid to feel.
And if I do feel anything, I'm afraid to show it.
I'm afraid to let you touch me because it might hurt.
Or it might make me want to feel.
Knowing you won't hurt me doesn't make any difference.
Its been ingrained too deeply.
I didn't even cry until I was 16. Ever.
Feeling anything frustrates me.
I'm so afraid, so cold inside.

I feel like one of those dogs you see at the pound.
The ones that have been beaten for everything.
They approach you, nose and tail down, looking hopeful.
If they ever learn to trust you, maybe they start to come up to you with their tail wagging.
But they're always watching your hands, keeping their head down.
Ready to run, afraid you'll hit them.
They don't know what for, but surely you will.
It doesn't matter how well you treat them.
They'll always be cautious.