midnight musings

taking advantage of the fact that I have no classes and it's cooler at night to stay up late. It is now tomorrow and still tonight, but not yet 3 am. So I'm going to vent about some things that have been bugging me today.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.

Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.