Yeah this is why I'm broken.
They all want to blame it on homeschooling.
Sure.
I bet that's exactly it.
Lack of socialization. Wrong.
I had several home-school groups, church, gymnastics, girl scouts, attended kindergarten. I'm not afraid to be around people. No, you don't scare me one bit.
Its me I'm afraid of. What lurks inside.
What if I'm happy? What if I need you? What if I like you? What if I'm feeling rebellious? What if I'm sad? What if I just want to scream? What if I want to be free? What if I just want to dance for the sake of dancing?
Don't!
Don't be happy, you might forget to do something. Don't want/need/like someone because they don't want to be bothered with it. Don't be rebellious, its not allowed. Don't be sad, the crying and slower functioning is annoying and worthless. Don't scream, its too loud. Don't try to run away, there's responsibilities here. Don't dance, you might break something.
If you have the nerve to do any of that, you'll be beaten or starved. Repeatedly. With a belt. For days. Now get out of my sight you little piece of shit!
Was that hard to read? Try living it.
Six years of my life.
The time when you're supposed to be learning emotional reactions from your parents.
I was slowly turning into a robot that didn't even flinch if you broke skin with a yardstick.
Afraid to feel because feeling meant showing it and showing meant yet another beating.
So no, its not homeschooling that broke me.
It was bad parenting.
Its not logical, it makes no sense, its not fixable.
I'm afraid to feel.
And if I do feel anything, I'm afraid to show it.
I'm afraid to let you touch me because it might hurt.
Or it might make me want to feel.
Knowing you won't hurt me doesn't make any difference.
Its been ingrained too deeply.
I didn't even cry until I was 16. Ever.
Feeling anything frustrates me.
I'm so afraid, so cold inside.
I feel like one of those dogs you see at the pound.
The ones that have been beaten for everything.
They approach you, nose and tail down, looking hopeful.
If they ever learn to trust you, maybe they start to come up to you with their tail wagging.
But they're always watching your hands, keeping their head down.
Ready to run, afraid you'll hit them.
They don't know what for, but surely you will.
It doesn't matter how well you treat them.
They'll always be cautious.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
"Its Candy Mountain, Charlie!"
VJ: "Ever notice that the only people who say hi to him are girls?"
Me: "Yeah... interesting. He's like invisible to the male species"
Hmm.... that makes one either an object of attraction, envy, or myth. Attraction and envy go together in a way, the females see something they want, the guys don't talk to something that might show them up.
Myth; one would be a visible fantasy (or something) to females only. Well that'd be odd and depressing. Perhaps there's a more logical explanation. Maybe... one is a girl! Or, one is gay. Or, girls are just more social.
Heh...
See? I had no idea where that train of thought was trying to go.
Me: "Yeah... interesting. He's like invisible to the male species"
Hmm.... that makes one either an object of attraction, envy, or myth. Attraction and envy go together in a way, the females see something they want, the guys don't talk to something that might show them up.
Myth; one would be a visible fantasy (or something) to females only. Well that'd be odd and depressing. Perhaps there's a more logical explanation. Maybe... one is a girl! Or, one is gay. Or, girls are just more social.
Heh...
See? I had no idea where that train of thought was trying to go.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Savior
Ever the pessimistic one,
Residing in a hopeful shell.
Body betrayed by soul,
A soul failing to see its' potential.
Writhing in perceived agony,
Feeling the world against it.
Looking for a savior
(All the while)
Denying a savior's existence.
Self-proclaimed failure,
Grasping prejudiced protections,
It lives in deepening darkness.
But I always knew
Just who you were.
You're the beauty in this chaos,
The conclusion of confusion.
Too bad your savior never came
Or was that always the plan?
Tentative tendrils reached
For something completely unreal.
Tapping out a code in searching,
Did you find my code the same?
Of course, it doesn't matter anymore.
Beneath a battered shell
A beautiful soul resides.
Some days are an agony copy,
The echoes of days before.
But you're still here for me,
I'll still be here for you.
My inspiration, my fix.
If only I could be...
So true as you.
Residing in a hopeful shell.
Body betrayed by soul,
A soul failing to see its' potential.
Writhing in perceived agony,
Feeling the world against it.
Looking for a savior
(All the while)
Denying a savior's existence.
Self-proclaimed failure,
Grasping prejudiced protections,
It lives in deepening darkness.
But I always knew
Just who you were.
You're the beauty in this chaos,
The conclusion of confusion.
Too bad your savior never came
Or was that always the plan?
Tentative tendrils reached
For something completely unreal.
Tapping out a code in searching,
Did you find my code the same?
Of course, it doesn't matter anymore.
Beneath a battered shell
A beautiful soul resides.
Some days are an agony copy,
The echoes of days before.
But you're still here for me,
I'll still be here for you.
My inspiration, my fix.
If only I could be...
So true as you.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The End (Climax)
He told her that he loved-
Her, and she did the same.
She believed him;
Feeling herself to be inadequate.
She misses how they'd fight,
Just trivial things,
But he always came back,
She'd always take him back.
Tender moments fading
Into black pixels
That were never enough.
She needs him deep inside.
Like a vaccination,
To feel the sting of protection.
He never seemed to trust-
Her, but she let him.
Because he love(s,d) her.
Pitiful, betraying mind,
Rooted in the world's hardships-
It wouldn't let her have him.
"Hold back! Don't change!"
A constant inner struggle.
And him, always too perceptive,
Held out a double-edged sword,
And asked her to pick a side.
She couldn't deceive (he'd know),
So her traitorous fingers
Spelled it to him;
Of needing him deep
And resenting that need.
Swing like a clock pendulum,
Clean swipe to sever the ties.
Or so he thinks.
But you can't remove-
Someone who's inside you.
Re-reading his words, confessions,
Wanting to delete him,
Knowing it would kill her.
Move on, past daylight,
Past dreams, past conscious.
He's still there.
She's still here.
Struggle to find-
The beauty in this chaos.
Her, and she did the same.
She believed him;
Feeling herself to be inadequate.
She misses how they'd fight,
Just trivial things,
But he always came back,
She'd always take him back.
Tender moments fading
Into black pixels
That were never enough.
She needs him deep inside.
Like a vaccination,
To feel the sting of protection.
He never seemed to trust-
Her, but she let him.
Because he love(s,d) her.
Pitiful, betraying mind,
Rooted in the world's hardships-
It wouldn't let her have him.
"Hold back! Don't change!"
A constant inner struggle.
And him, always too perceptive,
Held out a double-edged sword,
And asked her to pick a side.
She couldn't deceive (he'd know),
So her traitorous fingers
Spelled it to him;
Of needing him deep
And resenting that need.
Swing like a clock pendulum,
Clean swipe to sever the ties.
Or so he thinks.
But you can't remove-
Someone who's inside you.
Re-reading his words, confessions,
Wanting to delete him,
Knowing it would kill her.
Move on, past daylight,
Past dreams, past conscious.
He's still there.
She's still here.
Struggle to find-
The beauty in this chaos.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
My Kids!
On the top is Spicey Baby Boy (formal name: Spice)
On the bottom is Sugars Goat
(formal name: Sugar)
They're nubian goats, not reindeer as some dimwits seemed to believe upon seeing this Christmas picca. And no, I don't eat them, or milk them, they're pets and my kids!
Saturday, March 01, 2008
"I just made you up to hurt myself"
Some rain clouds rain on your parade in a cheerful manner and you can look up at them and laugh because you know they're up to harmless mischief. And then there's the ones that are up to no good, but they think they're only having fun. But really, this rain cloud stuff is avoiding the point and the only reason it's managed to get this far is too much sugar and too little sleep in my bloodstream.
What I'm really on about is people. The people you think you can trust, and you think care about you so you return the emotion blissfully and then they bite the hand that feeds. But like a dog, instead of yelling at them, you forgive it and assume they were just in a bad mood that day. But eventually, that dog bites you often enough that you realize it's just not an even-tempered dog. However, the good thing is, the dog runs away! And of course then you can rejoice because now you can still love the dog, and wish it well; you know its better off because now you can walk around freely without having the worry of teeth close to your sensitive areas and a cold nose in your nether regions. You're sure the dog will fend for itself, just like it did before you loved it and took it in, and it DID seem glad to go.
So you go along gleefully with your life, and you manage to acquire a cat who offers to hold you close and respect your sensitive areas. But now, now you know what teeth can do so when the cat smiles at you, all you see is teeth and you cower in a corner. The cat can't understand, and you can't tell him about the dog because he'll think you're a traitor.
Then, one fateful day... that dog shows back up at your door. It wags its tail and lolls its tongue. You loved it so much and still do though you've turned what was before, into a mere wish that it be protected from harm. How can you turn that face away? So you let it in and kick the cat out because it never managed to understand you as well as the dog does anyway. You're cautious, because of course you've been bitten before, but that dog says "hey, i love you!" but of course you're confused because all it seemed to want was rid of you.
So this person-dog looks you in the eyes and says "don't be afraid". You aren't afraid though, you're just cautious and confused because now he isn't making any more sense than a pickle and ice cream sandwich. But you LIKE pickle and ice cream sandwiches, because the vinegar shocks and bites and then the ice cream comes through and soothes and teases and fills your mouth with sweet creamy goodness. So you just accept it and prepare for a lashing when it all goes wrong again.
But you must know what his intentions are, correct? Before you let his teeth close enough to tease and hurt? "Go on!" your friends say, "you better bloody well ask him!". So you do, and he ignores you. Write it off to a distraction of some sort and try again; and yet again he doesn't deign to reply. "Once more" you think, and give it a final heave, but he still doesn't answer. Yet somehow, that is an answer in itself, because you can only think of one reason why he wouldn't answer the question! So now you know, and you must know because you haven't any other options. You know this: that he can't make up his mind but would never reveal to you what you would reveal to him.
But then the beautiful tragedy comes! Oh yes, he deigns to speak to you and eventually you find out what is going through his mind. You find out because it's just like a child, you can taunt with a smile until he gives you what you want so he can get what he wants. But now, now you're annoyed beyond belief because it shouldn't have taken this long to procure an answer. You used to be able to communicate so well, but that broke down and now you have to resort to primal behaviors to get civilized answers. "So easy a caveman can do it" indeed. Yet for some reason, despite the utter crimson rage you feel, you still don't want to hurt the beast.
It's only the curse of an empath, to never try to hurt even when you want to. Hating yourself after the fact, you write an apology for damages done with tears on your lashes and moths in your stomach. But when its over, you know you've done the correct thing, even though you hate yourself for being the one to give in. You would really have lost if you'd stooped so low as to seek revenge though. "Now" you wonder, "will this reconcile what has been done? Will a reply be a good thing or a bad thing?" Deep down, you wish for a reply, but deeper still you know that no reply is probably a good thing. You've ended it, left the dragon appeased with the blood of good intentions. Because Kant said "the only good thing in this world is a good will" and he was correct in that.
May peace reign herein and hereout, forthwith.
~Korin
"I just made you up to hurt myself and it worked, yes it did" Only by Nine Inch Nails
What I'm really on about is people. The people you think you can trust, and you think care about you so you return the emotion blissfully and then they bite the hand that feeds. But like a dog, instead of yelling at them, you forgive it and assume they were just in a bad mood that day. But eventually, that dog bites you often enough that you realize it's just not an even-tempered dog. However, the good thing is, the dog runs away! And of course then you can rejoice because now you can still love the dog, and wish it well; you know its better off because now you can walk around freely without having the worry of teeth close to your sensitive areas and a cold nose in your nether regions. You're sure the dog will fend for itself, just like it did before you loved it and took it in, and it DID seem glad to go.
So you go along gleefully with your life, and you manage to acquire a cat who offers to hold you close and respect your sensitive areas. But now, now you know what teeth can do so when the cat smiles at you, all you see is teeth and you cower in a corner. The cat can't understand, and you can't tell him about the dog because he'll think you're a traitor.
Then, one fateful day... that dog shows back up at your door. It wags its tail and lolls its tongue. You loved it so much and still do though you've turned what was before, into a mere wish that it be protected from harm. How can you turn that face away? So you let it in and kick the cat out because it never managed to understand you as well as the dog does anyway. You're cautious, because of course you've been bitten before, but that dog says "hey, i love you!" but of course you're confused because all it seemed to want was rid of you.
So this person-dog looks you in the eyes and says "don't be afraid". You aren't afraid though, you're just cautious and confused because now he isn't making any more sense than a pickle and ice cream sandwich. But you LIKE pickle and ice cream sandwiches, because the vinegar shocks and bites and then the ice cream comes through and soothes and teases and fills your mouth with sweet creamy goodness. So you just accept it and prepare for a lashing when it all goes wrong again.
But you must know what his intentions are, correct? Before you let his teeth close enough to tease and hurt? "Go on!" your friends say, "you better bloody well ask him!". So you do, and he ignores you. Write it off to a distraction of some sort and try again; and yet again he doesn't deign to reply. "Once more" you think, and give it a final heave, but he still doesn't answer. Yet somehow, that is an answer in itself, because you can only think of one reason why he wouldn't answer the question! So now you know, and you must know because you haven't any other options. You know this: that he can't make up his mind but would never reveal to you what you would reveal to him.
But then the beautiful tragedy comes! Oh yes, he deigns to speak to you and eventually you find out what is going through his mind. You find out because it's just like a child, you can taunt with a smile until he gives you what you want so he can get what he wants. But now, now you're annoyed beyond belief because it shouldn't have taken this long to procure an answer. You used to be able to communicate so well, but that broke down and now you have to resort to primal behaviors to get civilized answers. "So easy a caveman can do it" indeed. Yet for some reason, despite the utter crimson rage you feel, you still don't want to hurt the beast.
It's only the curse of an empath, to never try to hurt even when you want to. Hating yourself after the fact, you write an apology for damages done with tears on your lashes and moths in your stomach. But when its over, you know you've done the correct thing, even though you hate yourself for being the one to give in. You would really have lost if you'd stooped so low as to seek revenge though. "Now" you wonder, "will this reconcile what has been done? Will a reply be a good thing or a bad thing?" Deep down, you wish for a reply, but deeper still you know that no reply is probably a good thing. You've ended it, left the dragon appeased with the blood of good intentions. Because Kant said "the only good thing in this world is a good will" and he was correct in that.
May peace reign herein and hereout, forthwith.
~Korin
"I just made you up to hurt myself and it worked, yes it did" Only by Nine Inch Nails
Monday, January 28, 2008
My First Building Fire
I had a rather interesting experience around 10pm last night, My First Building Fire!
Just sitting here, minding my own business when the fire alarm went off. Thinking it was a drill or that somebody had pulled the alarm, I grabbed only my keys and slippers then followed the masses down the stairs. Walked over to the building next door to see if I could hide out there until the "drill" was over, but then that building evacuated as well!
Wandering back outside in my slippers i looked up to see a trickle of... smoke? steam? Still thinking that surely this wasn't a real fire I decided to walk out into the parking lot with everyone else. Rounding the corner of the building I saw thick black smoke billowing out of a window on the 11th floor and moments later the windows shattered and flames shot out into the night. A real fire... and I was stranded in 30+ degree weather in nothing but pajamas, slippers, and a hoodie.
I wandered around for nearly an hour before finally running into my friend Abby. Stayed with some of her sorority sisters for the night before shuffling back to our building. Fortunately my dorm room is 6 floors below where the fire was, so I was allowed to return to my room the next morning. Some of my friends aren't so lucky, as they won't be able to return to their rooms for a week at least, and will need to move all their belongings anyhow since the top few floors have been determined to be unsuitable for living.
Just sitting here, minding my own business when the fire alarm went off. Thinking it was a drill or that somebody had pulled the alarm, I grabbed only my keys and slippers then followed the masses down the stairs. Walked over to the building next door to see if I could hide out there until the "drill" was over, but then that building evacuated as well!
Wandering back outside in my slippers i looked up to see a trickle of... smoke? steam? Still thinking that surely this wasn't a real fire I decided to walk out into the parking lot with everyone else. Rounding the corner of the building I saw thick black smoke billowing out of a window on the 11th floor and moments later the windows shattered and flames shot out into the night. A real fire... and I was stranded in 30+ degree weather in nothing but pajamas, slippers, and a hoodie.
I wandered around for nearly an hour before finally running into my friend Abby. Stayed with some of her sorority sisters for the night before shuffling back to our building. Fortunately my dorm room is 6 floors below where the fire was, so I was allowed to return to my room the next morning. Some of my friends aren't so lucky, as they won't be able to return to their rooms for a week at least, and will need to move all their belongings anyhow since the top few floors have been determined to be unsuitable for living.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Soulbreak Cry
God. I've been something like a Christian for years, but I sometimes drift and the doubts threaten to overwhelm me. It's been that way recently. This is an older poem of mine, but it's well descriptive of my spiritual swing between doubting and being faithful.
Were it the span of the heavens
Or the depths of the sea.
Twas never so wide,
As the Space formed by me.
I cry out in my prison.
I see your hand in the sun.
Oh My God, My God!
What have I done?
Pulled into glass pieces,
Now where can I go?
Fettered in by my sin,
I scream, you say no.
One way to change this,
Sad power of Blood.
Clawing for surface,
I see where I stood.
Yo do now accept me,
I am bowed at your throne.
I screamed to you mercy,
No longer Alone.
Were it the span of the heavens
Or the depths of the sea.
Twas never so wide,
As the Space formed by me.
I cry out in my prison.
I see your hand in the sun.
Oh My God, My God!
What have I done?
Pulled into glass pieces,
Now where can I go?
Fettered in by my sin,
I scream, you say no.
One way to change this,
Sad power of Blood.
Clawing for surface,
I see where I stood.
Yo do now accept me,
I am bowed at your throne.
I screamed to you mercy,
No longer Alone.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Restless
Went camping Friday night and Saturday day. I climbed some waterfalls, ran on some trails, caught a frog, burned things in the fire, painted myself with glowsticks. Sounds like a good time doesn't it? Well it was, but the thing is, instead of sating my desire for an adventure, it made it stronger. The need for something challenging and adrenalizing (i made that word up) is about to drive me over the edge.
I went out looking for an adventure last night and tonight too, but didn't find much. I need to go rock-climbing or do some martial arts, or maybe just run. I'm trying to get a fencing club going, and that is turning out to be a twisted maze of challenges, but it doesn't create much of a rush. Hopefully tomorrow I can go check out the fencing club over at Rose Hulman and have a bit of fun.
I went out looking for an adventure last night and tonight too, but didn't find much. I need to go rock-climbing or do some martial arts, or maybe just run. I'm trying to get a fencing club going, and that is turning out to be a twisted maze of challenges, but it doesn't create much of a rush. Hopefully tomorrow I can go check out the fencing club over at Rose Hulman and have a bit of fun.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Home is where you're free
The full moon is tomorrow night, and I'm already starting to feel it. At home, I would be prowling around the house, or moonlighting in the wide open spaces of my yard (5 acres). There would probably be coyotes howling, rabbits rustling in the grass, and the ever-faithful Inky or Roxy by my side. I miss that freedom, the untainted air, bright night sky, and not having to fear anything in the dark.
Tonight I was feeling restless, so I put on my comfortable shoes (heck, I could go barefoot outside at home too) and went to prowl around the campus. It was horrible, and I'm still restless. No coyotes, rabbits, frogs, or owls broke the nonexistent silence. The night was filled with the roar of engines and music cranked too loud, the laughter of people playing tennis under too-bright lights, and the suffocating smell of garbage and cigarette smoke. The wildest creature I saw was a rabbit that was so adapted to humans it let me get within 10 feet. So I ventured further out, to the "greener" parts of the campus, it was a bit darker, but there were still no wild creatures, and there were still too many people. Everything was wrong, the sounds, the sights, even the ground beneath my feet was unforgiving concrete.
To make matters worse, on my way back I had to endure pathetic lines like "Hey, how you doing? Oh, don't walk away sad, don't be mad". I had no faithful Doberman-mix, not even a pushover cat, to cling to. I'm not free here, the wrongness of it all is like a weight around my heart, dragging me into it's polluted world. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, when the moon is completely full, I'd usually prowl then, too. But after tonight I don't think tame rabbits and concrete are going to sate my desire to wander in the night.
I'm going home this weekend, to goats, cats, dogs, degus, and a rabbit, in the midst of wonderfully untamed meadow and woods. So hopefully, that will sustain me for a few more weeks to come.
Tonight I was feeling restless, so I put on my comfortable shoes (heck, I could go barefoot outside at home too) and went to prowl around the campus. It was horrible, and I'm still restless. No coyotes, rabbits, frogs, or owls broke the nonexistent silence. The night was filled with the roar of engines and music cranked too loud, the laughter of people playing tennis under too-bright lights, and the suffocating smell of garbage and cigarette smoke. The wildest creature I saw was a rabbit that was so adapted to humans it let me get within 10 feet. So I ventured further out, to the "greener" parts of the campus, it was a bit darker, but there were still no wild creatures, and there were still too many people. Everything was wrong, the sounds, the sights, even the ground beneath my feet was unforgiving concrete.
To make matters worse, on my way back I had to endure pathetic lines like "Hey, how you doing? Oh, don't walk away sad, don't be mad". I had no faithful Doberman-mix, not even a pushover cat, to cling to. I'm not free here, the wrongness of it all is like a weight around my heart, dragging me into it's polluted world. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, when the moon is completely full, I'd usually prowl then, too. But after tonight I don't think tame rabbits and concrete are going to sate my desire to wander in the night.
I'm going home this weekend, to goats, cats, dogs, degus, and a rabbit, in the midst of wonderfully untamed meadow and woods. So hopefully, that will sustain me for a few more weeks to come.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
"Feral" poem
This is a bit different for me, but apparently there's an animal inside that needed to speak. I don't plan poems, they just demand to be written. I used some line and rhyming techniques I've never used before either, and I think I like the end result. I've titled this one "Feral" for obvious reasons.
Feral
And I need to taste you.
Feral
And I need to touch.
I want your claws within my heart,
Deep in yours
I want to drown.
Can eyes meet
Can hands touch
Can hearts beat
Without warm blood?
Wild thing gone mad
I yearn for you
You can't be had.
How can I live?
I need your teeth
Against my neck,
I need your voice
At my call and beck.
Feral
How you slay me.
Feral
How my heart bleeds.
Feral
And I need to taste you.
Feral
And I need to touch.
I want your claws within my heart,
Deep in yours
I want to drown.
Can eyes meet
Can hands touch
Can hearts beat
Without warm blood?
Wild thing gone mad
I yearn for you
You can't be had.
How can I live?
I need your teeth
Against my neck,
I need your voice
At my call and beck.
Feral
How you slay me.
Feral
How my heart bleeds.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
midnight musings
taking advantage of the fact that I have no classes and it's cooler at night to stay up late. It is now tomorrow and still tonight, but not yet 3 am. So I'm going to vent about some things that have been bugging me today.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.
Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.
Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.
Friday, August 24, 2007
*sigh*
I'm really hungry right about now.... 30 minutes ago food had not even crossed my mind. So why am I all "*sigh*" about that? Just go eat right? WEEEEELL.... the problem here is that they close the durned cafeteria at 6pm and it is now 6:35pm. Seriously, who, especially college students, eat before 6? I hardly ever eat before 8pm so it looks like I'm going without dinner again, but that's okay.
As some of you know, I had a job interview with a reading tutor program. They wanted to hire me, and the job would have been amazing for me because I like working with kids and I would only have to work two hours, two days a week so I could go home on the weekends and everything would have been ice cool. But it turns out they can only operate on a work/study program because they are a nonprofit organization. I'm not what anyone would call extravagantly rich, but the financial aid office said I don't qualify for work/study. There goes that dream down the drain (say that 5xfast).
so it's been a while (4 hours) since I wrote the top bit and I'm in rather a better mood now. There was a comedy hypnotist in the student union building tonight and I laughed so hard my face still hurts. He hypnotized 16 people up on stage and sent them on a plane ride to Jamaica. The guy in the middle became the pilot and the hypnotist put a "magic hat" on him and pulled him out of his trance a bit. The guy was suddenly speaking in a perfect Jamaican accent and thought he had been flying a plane for three years. The hypnotist later made all the guys on stage think they were exotic women dancers then he sent them into the audience to find guys to dance for. It was absolutely hysterical, and some of the guys were WAY too good at it. He gave one of the guys who was particularly good at the dancing, a post-hypnotic suggestion that he was a ballerina. After they all came out of the trance, he said a key word and the guy started dancing around. When he asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm perrrforming" in this really breathy voice.
That's all for now,
Rock On and Peace Out,
Korin
As some of you know, I had a job interview with a reading tutor program. They wanted to hire me, and the job would have been amazing for me because I like working with kids and I would only have to work two hours, two days a week so I could go home on the weekends and everything would have been ice cool. But it turns out they can only operate on a work/study program because they are a nonprofit organization. I'm not what anyone would call extravagantly rich, but the financial aid office said I don't qualify for work/study. There goes that dream down the drain (say that 5xfast).
so it's been a while (4 hours) since I wrote the top bit and I'm in rather a better mood now. There was a comedy hypnotist in the student union building tonight and I laughed so hard my face still hurts. He hypnotized 16 people up on stage and sent them on a plane ride to Jamaica. The guy in the middle became the pilot and the hypnotist put a "magic hat" on him and pulled him out of his trance a bit. The guy was suddenly speaking in a perfect Jamaican accent and thought he had been flying a plane for three years. The hypnotist later made all the guys on stage think they were exotic women dancers then he sent them into the audience to find guys to dance for. It was absolutely hysterical, and some of the guys were WAY too good at it. He gave one of the guys who was particularly good at the dancing, a post-hypnotic suggestion that he was a ballerina. After they all came out of the trance, he said a key word and the guy started dancing around. When he asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm perrrforming" in this really breathy voice.
That's all for now,
Rock On and Peace Out,
Korin
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The confusion of days
So for whatever reason, I thought today was going to be Tuesday and I didn't set my alarm last night. Unfortunately I got up around 10-ish, and after taking a shower and everything it was about 11 and I had an "oh crap" moment where I realized it was ACTUALLY Thursday and I should have been in Chemistry review group from 9:30-10:45. Oh well, I'll just have to prove to my teacher that I'm not a slacker, just very bemused. I did make it to afternoon Chem lab, which has a different instructor, so there was no wrath of the teacher to face. My lab partner is the guy who was sitting across the table from me, by the name of Zack. Turns out he's a pretty cool person, so hopefully I'll get to know him as a friend outside of class.
My Learning Liberal Arts and Sciences class turns out to be more of a discussion group for the science majors that we get credit for. Basically the object is to provide a resource of outside information and discussion as well as a chance to meet study buddies. The instructor's voice makes me a bit foggy because it's very mellow, but I managed to stay awake and he seems fairly interesting.
The rest of my day, outside of sleeping and class, has been spent studying and just hanging around doing nothing. Oh yeah, and last night I went to a place called SCAMPS House which is a Christian fellowship type thing. They haver service on Sundays, worship on Wednesdays, and fellowship on Fridays. The people there were all very welcoming and it feels a it like home because their sanctuary has a multitude of couches instead of chairs. I'll look around at the other ministries, but this place already feels like the right place to help me stay with, and grow in Christ.
Love,
Korin
My Learning Liberal Arts and Sciences class turns out to be more of a discussion group for the science majors that we get credit for. Basically the object is to provide a resource of outside information and discussion as well as a chance to meet study buddies. The instructor's voice makes me a bit foggy because it's very mellow, but I managed to stay awake and he seems fairly interesting.
The rest of my day, outside of sleeping and class, has been spent studying and just hanging around doing nothing. Oh yeah, and last night I went to a place called SCAMPS House which is a Christian fellowship type thing. They haver service on Sundays, worship on Wednesdays, and fellowship on Fridays. The people there were all very welcoming and it feels a it like home because their sanctuary has a multitude of couches instead of chairs. I'll look around at the other ministries, but this place already feels like the right place to help me stay with, and grow in Christ.
Love,
Korin
Monday, August 20, 2007
2 days down
Couldn't sleep last night, it was much too hot and sticky and I was unsettled because everything is so off kilter. There were more freshmen orientation things today including a comedian name Maria who bills herself as the "Sexpert". She was really entertaining but also put some stuff out there that they don't emphasize enough in high school health classes. She emphasized how important it is to communicate with your significant other, and to be respectful of the other person if or when you engage in any form of sex.
Other events of the day: I found a few more people I know already from previous encounters and met a few new people as well. Right now I'm dying my hair because the blond was starting to bleed through and it gave my hair an odd greenish tint under fluorescent lights. Let's see, I also went to a program about preventing suicide in which I won an ISU bag for correctly answering a question. Not much else of not really.
I'm afraid I'm being antisocial, but I don't know how to approach the people here. I sort of hover around, hoping someone will say hello, but I know they won't because I'm not doing it either. So my commitment for tomorrow is to make at least one new friend.
later then,
Korin
Other events of the day: I found a few more people I know already from previous encounters and met a few new people as well. Right now I'm dying my hair because the blond was starting to bleed through and it gave my hair an odd greenish tint under fluorescent lights. Let's see, I also went to a program about preventing suicide in which I won an ISU bag for correctly answering a question. Not much else of not really.
I'm afraid I'm being antisocial, but I don't know how to approach the people here. I sort of hover around, hoping someone will say hello, but I know they won't because I'm not doing it either. So my commitment for tomorrow is to make at least one new friend.
later then,
Korin
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