Home is where you're free

The full moon is tomorrow night, and I'm already starting to feel it. At home, I would be prowling around the house, or moonlighting in the wide open spaces of my yard (5 acres). There would probably be coyotes howling, rabbits rustling in the grass, and the ever-faithful Inky or Roxy by my side. I miss that freedom, the untainted air, bright night sky, and not having to fear anything in the dark.
Tonight I was feeling restless, so I put on my comfortable shoes (heck, I could go barefoot outside at home too) and went to prowl around the campus. It was horrible, and I'm still restless. No coyotes, rabbits, frogs, or owls broke the nonexistent silence. The night was filled with the roar of engines and music cranked too loud, the laughter of people playing tennis under too-bright lights, and the suffocating smell of garbage and cigarette smoke. The wildest creature I saw was a rabbit that was so adapted to humans it let me get within 10 feet. So I ventured further out, to the "greener" parts of the campus, it was a bit darker, but there were still no wild creatures, and there were still too many people. Everything was wrong, the sounds, the sights, even the ground beneath my feet was unforgiving concrete.
To make matters worse, on my way back I had to endure pathetic lines like "Hey, how you doing? Oh, don't walk away sad, don't be mad". I had no faithful Doberman-mix, not even a pushover cat, to cling to. I'm not free here, the wrongness of it all is like a weight around my heart, dragging me into it's polluted world. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, when the moon is completely full, I'd usually prowl then, too. But after tonight I don't think tame rabbits and concrete are going to sate my desire to wander in the night.
I'm going home this weekend, to goats, cats, dogs, degus, and a rabbit, in the midst of wonderfully untamed meadow and woods. So hopefully, that will sustain me for a few more weeks to come.

"Feral" poem

This is a bit different for me, but apparently there's an animal inside that needed to speak. I don't plan poems, they just demand to be written. I used some line and rhyming techniques I've never used before either, and I think I like the end result. I've titled this one "Feral" for obvious reasons.


Feral
And I need to taste you.
Feral
And I need to touch.
I want your claws within my heart,
Deep in yours
I want to drown.
Can eyes meet
Can hands touch
Can hearts beat
Without warm blood?
Wild thing gone mad
I yearn for you
You can't be had.
How can I live?
I need your teeth
Against my neck,
I need your voice
At my call and beck.
Feral
How you slay me.
Feral
How my heart bleeds.

midnight musings

taking advantage of the fact that I have no classes and it's cooler at night to stay up late. It is now tomorrow and still tonight, but not yet 3 am. So I'm going to vent about some things that have been bugging me today.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.

Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.

*sigh*

I'm really hungry right about now.... 30 minutes ago food had not even crossed my mind. So why am I all "*sigh*" about that? Just go eat right? WEEEEELL.... the problem here is that they close the durned cafeteria at 6pm and it is now 6:35pm. Seriously, who, especially college students, eat before 6? I hardly ever eat before 8pm so it looks like I'm going without dinner again, but that's okay.
As some of you know, I had a job interview with a reading tutor program. They wanted to hire me, and the job would have been amazing for me because I like working with kids and I would only have to work two hours, two days a week so I could go home on the weekends and everything would have been ice cool. But it turns out they can only operate on a work/study program because they are a nonprofit organization. I'm not what anyone would call extravagantly rich, but the financial aid office said I don't qualify for work/study. There goes that dream down the drain (say that 5xfast).

so it's been a while (4 hours) since I wrote the top bit and I'm in rather a better mood now. There was a comedy hypnotist in the student union building tonight and I laughed so hard my face still hurts. He hypnotized 16 people up on stage and sent them on a plane ride to Jamaica. The guy in the middle became the pilot and the hypnotist put a "magic hat" on him and pulled him out of his trance a bit. The guy was suddenly speaking in a perfect Jamaican accent and thought he had been flying a plane for three years. The hypnotist later made all the guys on stage think they were exotic women dancers then he sent them into the audience to find guys to dance for. It was absolutely hysterical, and some of the guys were WAY too good at it. He gave one of the guys who was particularly good at the dancing, a post-hypnotic suggestion that he was a ballerina. After they all came out of the trance, he said a key word and the guy started dancing around. When he asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm perrrforming" in this really breathy voice.
That's all for now,
Rock On and Peace Out,
Korin

The confusion of days

So for whatever reason, I thought today was going to be Tuesday and I didn't set my alarm last night. Unfortunately I got up around 10-ish, and after taking a shower and everything it was about 11 and I had an "oh crap" moment where I realized it was ACTUALLY Thursday and I should have been in Chemistry review group from 9:30-10:45. Oh well, I'll just have to prove to my teacher that I'm not a slacker, just very bemused. I did make it to afternoon Chem lab, which has a different instructor, so there was no wrath of the teacher to face. My lab partner is the guy who was sitting across the table from me, by the name of Zack. Turns out he's a pretty cool person, so hopefully I'll get to know him as a friend outside of class.
My Learning Liberal Arts and Sciences class turns out to be more of a discussion group for the science majors that we get credit for. Basically the object is to provide a resource of outside information and discussion as well as a chance to meet study buddies. The instructor's voice makes me a bit foggy because it's very mellow, but I managed to stay awake and he seems fairly interesting.
The rest of my day, outside of sleeping and class, has been spent studying and just hanging around doing nothing. Oh yeah, and last night I went to a place called SCAMPS House which is a Christian fellowship type thing. They haver service on Sundays, worship on Wednesdays, and fellowship on Fridays. The people there were all very welcoming and it feels a it like home because their sanctuary has a multitude of couches instead of chairs. I'll look around at the other ministries, but this place already feels like the right place to help me stay with, and grow in Christ.
Love,
Korin

2 days down

Couldn't sleep last night, it was much too hot and sticky and I was unsettled because everything is so off kilter. There were more freshmen orientation things today including a comedian name Maria who bills herself as the "Sexpert". She was really entertaining but also put some stuff out there that they don't emphasize enough in high school health classes. She emphasized how important it is to communicate with your significant other, and to be respectful of the other person if or when you engage in any form of sex.
Other events of the day: I found a few more people I know already from previous encounters and met a few new people as well. Right now I'm dying my hair because the blond was starting to bleed through and it gave my hair an odd greenish tint under fluorescent lights. Let's see, I also went to a program about preventing suicide in which I won an ISU bag for correctly answering a question. Not much else of not really.
I'm afraid I'm being antisocial, but I don't know how to approach the people here. I sort of hover around, hoping someone will say hello, but I know they won't because I'm not doing it either. So my commitment for tomorrow is to make at least one new friend.
later then,
Korin

first day of college...

So I'm not real sure how I feel about this whole venture yet, it still has the surreal aura of long-ago (okay, not that long ago) summer camps. It's not quite in perspective yet that I have to live in a room smaller than my one at home for several months with a perfect stranger. I can't wander the empty fields (for starters, there are none here) at midnight or later because the weekday curfew is 11pm. I won't wake up to Sugar and Spice baaa-ing for their mom (me), and there won't be the occasional puddle of cat vomit next to my bed. After 10 years in what could reasonably called "the countryside" I'm now smoldering in suburbia.
I hope I'll get used to all the changes, and that I can sleep when lacking my ever faithful purring Inky and Schroedinger. Classes don't start until Wednesday, so I'm currently focused and relearning the campus and meeting some people I can trust. More on the life of a disoriented college student later in the week.
Peace Out and Rock On,
Korin