Restless

Went camping Friday night and Saturday day. I climbed some waterfalls, ran on some trails, caught a frog, burned things in the fire, painted myself with glowsticks. Sounds like a good time doesn't it? Well it was, but the thing is, instead of sating my desire for an adventure, it made it stronger. The need for something challenging and adrenalizing (i made that word up) is about to drive me over the edge.
I went out looking for an adventure last night and tonight too, but didn't find much. I need to go rock-climbing or do some martial arts, or maybe just run. I'm trying to get a fencing club going, and that is turning out to be a twisted maze of challenges, but it doesn't create much of a rush. Hopefully tomorrow I can go check out the fencing club over at Rose Hulman and have a bit of fun.

Home is where you're free

The full moon is tomorrow night, and I'm already starting to feel it. At home, I would be prowling around the house, or moonlighting in the wide open spaces of my yard (5 acres). There would probably be coyotes howling, rabbits rustling in the grass, and the ever-faithful Inky or Roxy by my side. I miss that freedom, the untainted air, bright night sky, and not having to fear anything in the dark.
Tonight I was feeling restless, so I put on my comfortable shoes (heck, I could go barefoot outside at home too) and went to prowl around the campus. It was horrible, and I'm still restless. No coyotes, rabbits, frogs, or owls broke the nonexistent silence. The night was filled with the roar of engines and music cranked too loud, the laughter of people playing tennis under too-bright lights, and the suffocating smell of garbage and cigarette smoke. The wildest creature I saw was a rabbit that was so adapted to humans it let me get within 10 feet. So I ventured further out, to the "greener" parts of the campus, it was a bit darker, but there were still no wild creatures, and there were still too many people. Everything was wrong, the sounds, the sights, even the ground beneath my feet was unforgiving concrete.
To make matters worse, on my way back I had to endure pathetic lines like "Hey, how you doing? Oh, don't walk away sad, don't be mad". I had no faithful Doberman-mix, not even a pushover cat, to cling to. I'm not free here, the wrongness of it all is like a weight around my heart, dragging me into it's polluted world. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, when the moon is completely full, I'd usually prowl then, too. But after tonight I don't think tame rabbits and concrete are going to sate my desire to wander in the night.
I'm going home this weekend, to goats, cats, dogs, degus, and a rabbit, in the midst of wonderfully untamed meadow and woods. So hopefully, that will sustain me for a few more weeks to come.

"Feral" poem

This is a bit different for me, but apparently there's an animal inside that needed to speak. I don't plan poems, they just demand to be written. I used some line and rhyming techniques I've never used before either, and I think I like the end result. I've titled this one "Feral" for obvious reasons.


Feral
And I need to taste you.
Feral
And I need to touch.
I want your claws within my heart,
Deep in yours
I want to drown.
Can eyes meet
Can hands touch
Can hearts beat
Without warm blood?
Wild thing gone mad
I yearn for you
You can't be had.
How can I live?
I need your teeth
Against my neck,
I need your voice
At my call and beck.
Feral
How you slay me.
Feral
How my heart bleeds.

midnight musings

taking advantage of the fact that I have no classes and it's cooler at night to stay up late. It is now tomorrow and still tonight, but not yet 3 am. So I'm going to vent about some things that have been bugging me today.
Problem #1: Why am I such an idiot when it comes to making friends? My "best friend" and are very similar, and it makes our relationship actually a bit odd. We both know to keep our distance, emotionally, and even though we each know the other's dark secrets, it's a rather platonic sort of friendship. Whenever people approach me in a friendly manner I freak out and hide behind cold glass eyes. Why am I so afraid of someone to share bits of my life with? I could blame being homeschooled until high school, I could say ti screwed up my social skills. Yet I had 4 years to fix that and even though freshman year was every kind of internal hell, I made a lot of progress and I'm pretty confident about who I am now. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt somebody else. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid of feeling their pain, empathy is a bit of a curse. Is it like this for anyone else? I may never know.

Problem #2: There's a guy I've known for about 7-8 years now. I'd trust him with my life, and the past two years saw a drastic change in the way I feel about him. I've been crushing on him at a deeper level than I even felt for my one boyfriend (disaster). But lately he's started to drift away and I don't know what to say when I see him. I'm afraid of being annoying by trying to approach him, but it hurts to let him go. He matches about 98% of the things I would want in a guy for life, but I can't tell him how I feel. Besides that, I feel like if were ever to be with him, he'd want more physically than I ever would. I need the intellectual side of him, I even sometimes need to be touched, but beyond that, so many people want more than I ever want to give. I'm afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will scare him off, and if he does that the relationship could end badly and I'd be devastated. Four years ago I shared everything with him, and people started to ask if we were going out, and both of us shyed away, I guess the masses knew more than I did.

*sigh*

I'm really hungry right about now.... 30 minutes ago food had not even crossed my mind. So why am I all "*sigh*" about that? Just go eat right? WEEEEELL.... the problem here is that they close the durned cafeteria at 6pm and it is now 6:35pm. Seriously, who, especially college students, eat before 6? I hardly ever eat before 8pm so it looks like I'm going without dinner again, but that's okay.
As some of you know, I had a job interview with a reading tutor program. They wanted to hire me, and the job would have been amazing for me because I like working with kids and I would only have to work two hours, two days a week so I could go home on the weekends and everything would have been ice cool. But it turns out they can only operate on a work/study program because they are a nonprofit organization. I'm not what anyone would call extravagantly rich, but the financial aid office said I don't qualify for work/study. There goes that dream down the drain (say that 5xfast).

so it's been a while (4 hours) since I wrote the top bit and I'm in rather a better mood now. There was a comedy hypnotist in the student union building tonight and I laughed so hard my face still hurts. He hypnotized 16 people up on stage and sent them on a plane ride to Jamaica. The guy in the middle became the pilot and the hypnotist put a "magic hat" on him and pulled him out of his trance a bit. The guy was suddenly speaking in a perfect Jamaican accent and thought he had been flying a plane for three years. The hypnotist later made all the guys on stage think they were exotic women dancers then he sent them into the audience to find guys to dance for. It was absolutely hysterical, and some of the guys were WAY too good at it. He gave one of the guys who was particularly good at the dancing, a post-hypnotic suggestion that he was a ballerina. After they all came out of the trance, he said a key word and the guy started dancing around. When he asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm perrrforming" in this really breathy voice.
That's all for now,
Rock On and Peace Out,
Korin

The confusion of days

So for whatever reason, I thought today was going to be Tuesday and I didn't set my alarm last night. Unfortunately I got up around 10-ish, and after taking a shower and everything it was about 11 and I had an "oh crap" moment where I realized it was ACTUALLY Thursday and I should have been in Chemistry review group from 9:30-10:45. Oh well, I'll just have to prove to my teacher that I'm not a slacker, just very bemused. I did make it to afternoon Chem lab, which has a different instructor, so there was no wrath of the teacher to face. My lab partner is the guy who was sitting across the table from me, by the name of Zack. Turns out he's a pretty cool person, so hopefully I'll get to know him as a friend outside of class.
My Learning Liberal Arts and Sciences class turns out to be more of a discussion group for the science majors that we get credit for. Basically the object is to provide a resource of outside information and discussion as well as a chance to meet study buddies. The instructor's voice makes me a bit foggy because it's very mellow, but I managed to stay awake and he seems fairly interesting.
The rest of my day, outside of sleeping and class, has been spent studying and just hanging around doing nothing. Oh yeah, and last night I went to a place called SCAMPS House which is a Christian fellowship type thing. They haver service on Sundays, worship on Wednesdays, and fellowship on Fridays. The people there were all very welcoming and it feels a it like home because their sanctuary has a multitude of couches instead of chairs. I'll look around at the other ministries, but this place already feels like the right place to help me stay with, and grow in Christ.
Love,
Korin

2 days down

Couldn't sleep last night, it was much too hot and sticky and I was unsettled because everything is so off kilter. There were more freshmen orientation things today including a comedian name Maria who bills herself as the "Sexpert". She was really entertaining but also put some stuff out there that they don't emphasize enough in high school health classes. She emphasized how important it is to communicate with your significant other, and to be respectful of the other person if or when you engage in any form of sex.
Other events of the day: I found a few more people I know already from previous encounters and met a few new people as well. Right now I'm dying my hair because the blond was starting to bleed through and it gave my hair an odd greenish tint under fluorescent lights. Let's see, I also went to a program about preventing suicide in which I won an ISU bag for correctly answering a question. Not much else of not really.
I'm afraid I'm being antisocial, but I don't know how to approach the people here. I sort of hover around, hoping someone will say hello, but I know they won't because I'm not doing it either. So my commitment for tomorrow is to make at least one new friend.
later then,
Korin

first day of college...

So I'm not real sure how I feel about this whole venture yet, it still has the surreal aura of long-ago (okay, not that long ago) summer camps. It's not quite in perspective yet that I have to live in a room smaller than my one at home for several months with a perfect stranger. I can't wander the empty fields (for starters, there are none here) at midnight or later because the weekday curfew is 11pm. I won't wake up to Sugar and Spice baaa-ing for their mom (me), and there won't be the occasional puddle of cat vomit next to my bed. After 10 years in what could reasonably called "the countryside" I'm now smoldering in suburbia.
I hope I'll get used to all the changes, and that I can sleep when lacking my ever faithful purring Inky and Schroedinger. Classes don't start until Wednesday, so I'm currently focused and relearning the campus and meeting some people I can trust. More on the life of a disoriented college student later in the week.
Peace Out and Rock On,
Korin

predestination vs omnicient God vs free will

The case: God gave us free will. God knows everything. God is in control of everything. We can choose or lose God. Do these seem contradictory to you too?

My answer: I have my own little theory, and a lot of people seem to disagree with me, but its the only thing I've come up with that makes any sense. I believe that we have free will to make any decision that we want, whether it be good or bad, and to continue making decisions until our last breath expires. But I also believe that God is omnicient (sp?), that he knows everything past, present, and future. How can this be? Doesn't our future change a smidgen with every decision?
On the one hand, the worn out, but not-so-old idea of predestination comes into play. The theory that God chooses our future for us, and no matter what we decide, it will all lead to the same end. I can see how this makes some sense, but I believe it completely contradicts the whole intent of free will, which is to let us choose; heaven or hell, its in our hands.
My view is simple enough, but also complex if you try to draw it out on paper (its a muddle, trust me). I believe we have free will, but that God can see every result of every option we could choose from. Every time we decide, a whole new range of end results crops up. I think God can see all the new options, and he can obviously see the past, since it has already been decided. What do you think? Do you agree, disagree, or have your own variation?

The small things that make my heart beat

things that are important to me in the smallest ways, in no particular order:

1~ The cold, gentle dampness of my eyelashes against my cheeks after I've been crying.

2~The small pinpricks of pain from the claws a of a cat kneading my scalp.

3~The gentle sleep-breathing of my sisters at night.

4~Halos around full moons.

5~Thunderstorms.

6~Silent eye contact between close friends.

7~The freedom to pray, anytime, anywhere.

8~Typos in famous books.

9~The utter lost darkness of caves.

10~Scars that remind me of old adventures and old wounds.

What small things are important to you?

*sigh* Shot through the heart and you're too late

Rather depressed right about now... Everything was so surreal, and then it said "the end." on the screen, just like that, with a period. It was like a double whammy of finality. I suddenly realized "Matt's gone. Its over, and Michael, Kim, and Josh aren't sticking around either". Suddenly all the looming responsibilty rained down at once, our leaders have been taken so its up to The League of Extraordinary Youth (aka Shepherding Team) to take up the empty places.
I can't really comprehend why the sponsors get to run from this. I could run as well, there are so many other churches I could easily go to, but my heart is here and I don't think God is done with this church yet. I guess it's just instinct to run from the things that hurt us the most, but whatever happened to "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me"? It'll be tough for a while, but we can make it without Matt, we just need to rely on Christ and rely on each other in this time of trial. The elders all seem to think that youth ministry is a numbers game. They keep trying to complete a sudoku puzzle using numbers like 11 and 27... sure it looks more impressive, but is it actually functioning?
Everyone, please pray that we have strength and wisdom during this time, and that the bonds we've created don't dissolve under pressure. I'll see you all at church.
Love,
Korin

2 dimensionality and it's relationship to politics

For those of you who have read "A Wrinkle In Time" you know there is a point in the book where the characters accidentally end up in a two dimensional world. The interesting thing about this is how we, as three dimensional creatures in a three dimensional world, percieve two dimensions. We tend to pick up a peice of paper when trying to demonstrate two dimensions, because that's as close as we can come. However, even paper is not truly two dimensional, as it still operates in three dimensions. Something that is two dimensional will not "turn sideways and dissapear", rather, it can't even turn sideways!
In three dimensions we can move side to side, front to back, and up to down. A two dimensional object would go just as crazy trying to comprehend 3d as we would by adding a fourth dimension to our world. This brings me to politics...
Politicians are always trying to make us laypeople understand the 4th dimension, or as they call it "the platform". It's all a matter of teaching us to see things from their point of view. The problem is, while we have no problem understanding how two or four dimensions work, we can't actually operate in them. Reducing federal debt sounds great in 2D (on paper), but how often does it manage to operate in 3D (real life!)? In the interest of the United States of America, next time you're listening to a politian preaching his 2D plans to make a 4D accomplishment, ask yourself if it will work in 3D.

Love you all,
Korin

Forgive and Forget?

Forgive and forget rolls off the tonngue so easily, but how accurate is it really? Must you forget in order to forgive, and can you forget without forgiving?
I think it's quite possible to forget without forgiving. Years later something could remind you of an incident, and your mind would awaken to find you still hold a grudge. Forgetting is more a slip of the mind than any actaul progress in the emotional department.
I'm sure it's possible to forgive without forgetting but things probably dissapear from memory when there is no longer a reason to remember. I'm not sure I resolved this in my mind by even writing this post.
My conclusion is that you have to forgive to really forget, but might not forget upon forgiving.

For Josh and Anna

My friend Josh and his girlfriend Anna had to endure something this last Thursday that nobody should go through. Unfortunately it did happen to them and I feel quite helpless here not even able to say how sorry I am, so this poem is dedicated to them. Josh and Anna, this is for you, I will keep you in my prayers.

For Josh and Anna
~
I usually keep my heart locked up
I’m usually cold as stone.
But your pain is bleeding over
It cuts me to the bone.
~But I can’t cry your tears for you
~And I couldn’t stop this blight.
I wish that I could hug you
Tell you its all okay.
But after what you’ve been through
There’s nothing I could say.
~But I can’t cry your tears for you
~And I can’t fight this fight.
Where does this pain end?
Just how can this be?
Why can’t I heal you?
What if it happened to me?
~But I can only cry my tears for you
~And wait here in His light.

Love,

Korin

Cain's wife

Where did Cain get his wife?

~

This question was posed at my Bible Study last night. I had never really thought about it before, but if Cain didn't marry his sister, then where did his wife come from? If you know the story of Cain you can skip to the next paragraph, or you can stay the course for a quick recap. After Cain murdered his brother Abel he was marked by God. God decreed that no man could harm Cain and that he was banished to wander far from his homeland. We don't know how long he wandered, but we do know that somewhere he obtained a wife.

Being banished makes it very unlikely that Cain married one of his many sisters. So my Bible Study group proposed and dissected a few theories to explain the presence of other humans. I will present them below by number.

1. Adam and Eve (Cain's parents) are recorded as being the first man and woman, all the preceeding creatures were animals. This created an interesting and controversial idea that maybe they were the first man and woman to have souls or a relationship with God. So many things in the Bible are metaphor that Adam and Eve could be the first man and woman just by having souls, not that they were the first Homo Sapiens.

2. God may have continued creating after he finished with Adam and Eve. God did rest on the 7th day but he could have resumed some minor creating after his nap. Other races of people may have been created outside of the Garden of Eden. After all, people are a very diverse group, we come in all colors, sizes, and tongues.

3. Adam and Eve lived to be quite old, some of thier children probably already had children and grandchildren of their own by the time Cain found his wife. These families could have wandered away from thier original home near Eden to form other groups of people from which Cain may have chosen a wife.

So what do you think? Do you have any idea where Cain may have found a wife? Leave me a comment, even if it's really long, telling me what you think of thiese ideas or your own theory.

Love,

~Korin